I need to get something off my chest. It's been bothering me for nearly three years, and the only ones fortunate enough to hear about it are my wife and the occasional offender. You think the swine flue is bad, this is truly an epidemic. It's more irritating than children running around swinging open umbrellas with reckless abandon. It's more dangerous than juggling samurai swords. It's...it's...
Sidewalk Cycling
I am reluctant to call these people cyclists because real, honorable cyclists know they are not to ride on sidewalks. For reasons unknown to me, there seem to be a far greater number of violators here in Lincoln Square than I remember in the Wrigleyville and greater Lakeview area. The crux of my grievance here is not the basic legality or illegality of sidewalk cycling, but the risk exposed to myself and my dog as pedestrians. On a several occasions while out on a walk, we've turned the corner from a side street sidewalk onto a Montrose Ave sidewalk and nearly been clipped by one of the bastards. Because I am conflict averse, I either keep my mouth shut, mutter to myself in anger, or complain to my wife (if she happens to be with me). But once in a blue moon, I lose control and yell out, "GET YOUR BIKE IN THE STREET!" This, of course, does nothing to alter the situation and the violator just peddles on in ignorance.
Now, I understand there may be scenarios in which sidewalk cycling should be allowable. I don't think a four year old on training wheels, for instance, should be practicing his/her skills in the three foot lane between moving motor traffic and parked cars. I get that. No problem here. But this is an exception, not the rule. So as a gesture of good citizenship (i.e. controlled rage), I took it upon myself to draft a proposed set of sidewalk cycling rules for my neighborhood:
- If you can grow facial hair (male or female), you must ride your bicycle on the street
- If you are smoking cigarettes (purchased legally or underage), you must ride your bicycle on the street
- If you are a male and wearing fake diamond stud earrings, you must ride your bicycle on the street
- If you can hold a cup of coffee in one hand and smoke a cigarette in the other while riding your bicycle, you must ride your bicycle on the street so Darwin can take care of the rest
- If your "bicycle" is in any way motorized, you must ride it on the street
- If you are on your way to/from work, you must ride your bicycle on the street
Think these are worthy of submitting to the alderman? Me too. Luckily (?) we're now in the winter months during which this becomes less of a problem. But before you know it, spring will once again arrive and the violating S-o-Bs will be back out in full force. And when they emerge, I will be ready...armed with this...uhhhh, blog post.
